January 2019

LameLand

 
I had to got to the DMV the other day, while I was on vacation mind you, to correct some issues with my registration on a new car.  Truth be told, the overall process was pretty painless, but sitting there made me realize that there were a million places I’d rather be.  But that’s just me, and this beautiful world- built on diversity- must contain some element of society that needs a place to go and disconnect from all of us fun-loving, “I got shit to do” types. 

Welcome to LameLand - The theme park that showcases some of the most mundane activities in the history of poor customer service and time-wasting protocols ever devised by man.  The park is divided into sections, like any other theme park.  Let’s go exploring, shall we?

 

The DMV District

Featuring :
* Very Long Lines
* Our signature restaurant, “Wine Me, Dine Me, Fine Me”
* A gift shop that sells everything but an ink pen.
* Optional “Fast Pass” that will cut your wait down to 1 hour.

 

The Post Office Experience – sponsored by Pepperidge Farm

Featuring:
* The Hall of Postmaster Generals presenting “Why A Book Of Stamps Costs As Much As A Steak Dinner”.
* The musical number “A little grey goes a very long way”
* “Do You Have A Pulse”….a virtual reality ride where you become the postal worker!

 

The Mechanic’s Lair

Featuring:
* The Waiting Room Coffee Shop…one Keurig brewer with no cups and empty powdered creamer.
* ”Preventive Maintenance with Animatronic Eddie”….Eddie takes you on a tour of useless fluid changes                and safety checks you always seem to be due for.
* ”Can’t Patch That”…a musical number about flat tires presented by cockney-types straight out of Mary Poppins

 

 TRAFFIC JAM – sponsored by Pandora

Featuring:
* The Red Light Parade – every night at 5pm….just red tail lights for 3 miles. (Currently under construction)
* ”Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda”…gift shop featuring snacks, gas, and bathroom breaks.  Situated of course, at the END of Traffic Jam.
* “Check Engine Light”…a whimsical guessing game of why that damn light turned on. (it’s not the oxygen sensor like everybody says)

 
So next Saturday, when all you’d like to do is veg-out on the couch, sleep in, or even do something productive- pack up the whole clan and head on down to LameLand!

*LameLand is only open on odd-numbered days.

**LameLand is not kid-friendly.

***Other guests of LameLand will smell and look suspiciously foreign.